There Was a Penis On My Car

Let me start by saying that I love New York City. Let me also add that, contrary to popular belief, Staten Island is not New Jersey – it is, despite its physical distance, very very much the fifth borough of New York City.

Last week, it snowed. Now, I park on the main drag, right by a middle school. I had a moment of temptation – should I bring my car into the parking lot behind my building? It is roughly the size of a Lego, and with the other cars parked there, it terrifies me to do the necessary K-turn and come around the driveway from a sharp angle. So…it’s not worth it. I park on the street.

This last week, the street was full of salt trucks, snowplows rattling down the boulevard, a ton of mud…and all of it landed on my car. I don’t drive every day – I don’t even drive ANY day. My car was parked out by the middle school for a solid week, not moving.

And today I had to get up and go to a memorial service. The snow had mostly melted; at the very least, it had sublimated, leaving a residue of ice behind. I had a deadline – I had to be somewhere at a certain time – so I quickly ran the wipers and cleared the windshield, but the side windows and the back were coated in salt. I had visibility enough to be safe. And I drove to where I needed to be – a crowded parking lot outside of a church.

Hours later, coming back to the parking lot, I was approaching my car from the passenger side. And I saw a funny yellow…I thought it was a reflection. As I drew closer, it was clear that it was not. Someone (or someones) had stuck something in the handle of the passenger-side door.

When I got to the car, it was clear: it was a cock-and-balls made out of yellow playdoh. And on the window above, written in the filth of the salt and mud, were the words “have a nice day :)”.

Middle schoolers are funny. But not in the way they think they are. I pinched the penis out of my door handle and tossed it in the parking lot. I can only imagine what they’ll make of it. Obviously, I’m taking my car to be washed the first opportunity I have – I have other places to be, and driving with this level of obscurity is Not Great.

But as I drove back home, I really kind of loved the prank. I’m not an “only in New York, kids” kind of person, but I appreciated the savoir-faire. And it gave me the irreverence I needed on a day of mourning with one of my very, very best friends.