Coping

Yeah, I’m knitting.

I’m also reading – every day, after work, for an hour. And writing. A thousand words every day, after work.

And working in exercise next week. I’m adapting to a new job – a commute, even – that’s fallen by the wayside, but I’m aiming to be in an exercise routine by Thanksgiving. Pru has a gym – unsupervised, so not like HBO’s gym where there were trainers – but at least I can lift some controlled weights and get some steps in.

There are a lot of befores and afters with COVID. Before COVID, I worked out with someone at least once a week, and walked in the park a lot. But after COVID, my training sessions moved online (for quite a while!) until my trainer pivoted to bigger and better things.

So it’s time to rebuild. Today, I found myself missing my old job for a little while – until I was reminded how intense it was, and how I was gasping for air towards the end. I can’t say I left voluntarily – my position was eliminated – and the team I left behind is more than capable of falling into the empty space and handling things.

But I need to rebuild my health. Women frequently disregard their own health in the service of others. And then when there are no others – well, when Mom had no others to care for, she folded in on herself, reading and reading and reading, and not moving.

“Use it or lose it” is the adage. It works for muscles, language (I was really heartened to see Meghan Markle doing DuoLingo for French – that was funny and true), reading, writing, knitting, and everything else. Sewing. Cooking. Surviving.

In the face of all we’re up against. In the face of all the horror. It feels global because it is global.

And there’s only so much one person, no matter how old or young, no matter how tired or energetic, can do.

• Sleep
• Work
• Walk
• Resistance/weights
• Cooking
• Prepping for the next day
• Reading
• Writing
• Puzzles
• Knitting

That’s how I’m choosing to cope in all of this. And this month, watch every single Mike Flanagan production he has ever made, because that man understands stories. Read Stephen King because it’s October. Listen to WQXR because I love them – they are the rhythm to my every day (except Saturday operas – I really cannot deal with opera).

I choose to cope. I choose…well, I’d like to choose joy if that were an option, but if it’s not, I choose to love myself just this much. Just this much. I choose to keep going, one foot in front of the other, whether it’s on a treadmill or in a parking garage.

I can’t go on; I’ll go on.